Wednesday, July 13, 2011

an overjoyed yet broken heart

07.11.11 will be a day that I will always remember.
Things happen that we just don't understand.
God's timing is often confusing, and we probably won't know why on this side of Heaven.

On 07.11.11 my brother and his wife welcomed their first child into the world.
Canaan Scott.  Beautiful.  Healthy. Strong. 
I stole this picture off my brother's FB page.
I haven't gotten to meet Canaan in person, because he lives in England where my brother is stationed.

I am SO excited that Brian & Candace get to be parents.  I am SO excited to have my first nephew.  I am SO excited that my maiden name is finally being passed down to another generation ;)  I canNOT wait to meet him someday.  My heart is overjoyed.

On 07.11.11 some friends of ours had to make a decision that no parent should ever have to make.
Bre was 39 weeks pregnant, and so far her pregnancy had been textbook.  Besides sweltering in the heat (like the rest of us summer pregos!) she was doing great & looking forward to meeting her baby boy.
On 07.07.11 she woke up with severe cramping & went into the hospital. They realized then that baby Jackson had a very low heart rate, and took Bre straight in to an emergency c-section.
When Jackson was born, there was no heartbeat.  After 10 minutes he was finally revived, and rushed to the NICU.  From there they sent him by helicopter to UCLA medical center so he could get the best treatment around.
Although his heart was functioning, his brain was not.  10 (+?) minutes without oxygen can have it's effects.  They placed him on an experimental brain cooling treatment and we all just waited and prayed.
It's amazing the support John & Bre had during this time, and how many prayers were offered up on their behalf.  I would just look on their FB pages and cry seeing all the posts of love & concern.
And although Jackson was so strong & such a fighter, his little body just couldn't handle it & his organs were beginning to shut down.  In the early hours of 07.11.11 Jackson left this earth to be held in the arms of Jesus.

It's not fair. We don't understand.  It's scary & heartbreaking & angering & sickening.  
I'm not good with grief.  I have be blessed in my life to not have too many people I know pass away, and those who have (that I was close to) were older & sickly & lived their life.
But to walk through a pregnancy with a friend.  To dream about our new babies growing up playing together.  To think about a 4 day old's life being cut short, it's been hard for me to handle.
I'm sure my pregnancy hormones are playing a part too, but maybe not.

And then to think about the joy of Canaan entering the world just hours after the heartbreak of Jackson leaving it is tough.

So I cry. And I talk with friends. And we cry together. And I talk to Dathan. And I talk to God. And cry some more. And write a blog post that probably doesn't make sense. And talk to God more. And pray for my baby. 
And I look at pictures of Canaan & smile. And I can't wait to hold him & kiss his little cheeks. And I can't wait to hug my brother & his wife and tell them congrats.  And I get excited about my boys now having a boy cousin!

At the same time, my heart is overjoyed and broken.

Please keep John & Bre in your prayers during this time as they are planning a funeral for a baby that just days ago they were preparing their home for.  And pray for Jackson's big brother Malachi (3) & big sister Presley (1), but especially Malachi who is old enough to understand.  They are believers and are feeling such a peace right now, but the pain is still real &  strong & present.


A Family of Love said...

Congratulations on your new nephew!

Also praying that your friends will be surrounded with God's grace and peace during this difficult time.

Nancy said...

Oh Erica!! Bless them... I will pray for that family & for everyone that knows & loves them...I promise!
Praying for you...and the new blessing of being an Aunt! It is amazing!!