I used to always say that I never really struggled with fear until I became a mom. It is a never-ending process of learning to completely place your children in God's hands and trust that He will care for them... because you can't do it all.
I remember the night that we brought Sean (my oldest) home from the hospital, I did not want to go to sleep because I was afraid he would die of SIDS. If everyone slept, who would watch him and make sure he was still breathing? Very quickly God showed me that it was necessary to learn to let go of control and place my hope in Him.
As the years have gone by, and more children have joined our family, the mom fears have changed. Just when you get control of one, the kids grow up and start a new phase and you have to do it all again. If you aren't careful, you can be in a perpetual state of worry.
Then lets throw in social media. It's a wonderful tool for connecting with family and friends, to promote businesses, to stay up to date on the news, and to educate yourself. It can also dig you into a very deep worry pit.
Friend A posts a link to a blog about the dangers in vaccinating your children. Oh my word! You think. I really need to read up on this more! I am such a terrible mother because I have already vaccinated all my kids! Did I do the right thing?
Friend B shares photos of her son's 6th birthday party. There's a table with the most adorable themed food, all perfectly labeled with themed fonts & paper. There's the cake that looks like it came off the cover of a food magazine. The decorations will put Martha Stewart to shame. The games and activities planned were just as fun as an amusement park visit. Seriously? You think. I stacked up donuts and stuck candles in them for my kid's birthday... at the pizza place... where they played ski-ball and ate junk food & I didn't have to do a thing. (no really, I've done that on more than one occasion). Maybe I'm not investing in the memories and celebration of my children's lives enough. Are they wishing I do more?
Friend C can't stop sharing links about ISIS and North Korea and EBOLA and... well... anything else terrifying going on in the world. Where is this world headed? You think. Is there going to be another terrorist attack on American soil? Will Christians undergo persecution? Did that person who just coughed sitting next to me at the dentist travel to West Africa in the last 21 days?
Friend D knows everything there is to know about health food and nutrition, because they have watched every documentary that Netflix has to offer about it. They make sure to let you know that your store bought food & water will kill you. Don't eat sugar. Don't eat meat. Don't eat gluten. Don't eat carbs. Don't eat anything that isn't organic free range nitrate free and grown in your own backyard. What the heck am I doing to my family? You worry. I try to feed them as healthy as I can, with the budget that I have, but maybe that's not enough. Maybe I am slowly making all of us sick.
Do you see where I'm heading here? We are constantly filling our heads with fear justifications. And there are plenty of them. We don't have to look far, and we don't have to try hard. It doesn't take long before fear begins to control you. I'm not talking about the being afraid to leave your house kind of fear. I'm talking about subtle fears that can turn into major life choices. Like, for example, the only reason you send your kids to private school is because they will lose their salvation in public school hanging out with all the heathens. That's a fear choice. Or maybe you won't let your children go to McDonald's with their friends because if they eat 4 chicken nuggets from there they will get cancer and die. That's a fear choice. Throwing the most extravagant birthday party for your kid because you feel like you will be a bad mom & others will judge you if you don't. That's a fear choice.
Don't get me wrong, private school and not eating fast food and amazing birthday parties are not bad things. At all. We are all responsible to raise our children in the best way we know how to, with the convictions that the Lord gives to each of us, which is all different. But I am talking about the heart behind the choices. Why are you making the choices you make? Is it because you researched, thought it through, prayed about it, and have peace? Or is it because of fear?
To continue on in my journey of doing brave things, I am constantly doing a self-check in the decisions that I make. If I am making that decision out of fear or worry, then I will either make myself do the opposite, or spend some more time in prayer about it.
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and self-control." 2 Tim 1:7
Fear is not of God, so if we are making decisions out of fear then we are not making them with God. Instead of fear He gives us power, love, and self-control (some versions say "a sound mind"). Those are what we should be using to make decisions. Ultimately... peace. We need to let peace guide our hearts, minds, and choices.
"I
am leaving you with a gift -- peace of mind and heart. And the peace I
give isn't like the peace the world gives. So don't be troubled or
afraid." John 14:27
"If your sinful nature controls your mind, there is death. But if the
Holy Spirit controls your mind, there is life and peace." Romans 8:6
So that is what I'm doing. I'm choosing to not let fear control my choices, even in the "little" things. I'm choosing to take off worry and put on peace. I'm choosing to walk in confidence knowing that there is nothing to fear (even when, ultimately, there are many things to fear). Will you join me?
"Before you
know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for
good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when
Christ displaces worry at the center of your life." Philippians 4:7 (The Message)
*Side note: I feel like I need to add that in talking about fear, this is different then the anxiety I wrote about in my last blog. The anxiety in that post was caused by a physical imbalance, the worry/fears talked about in this post are caused by human nature.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Do Brave Things
Who stole my sunshine?
This last year was hands down the most difficult and darkest year of my life. Don't get me wrong, there were wonderful things that happened, and good things that were able to sneak in, but lets just be honest here... last year sucked.
In July of 2013 we were in a car accident. A lady going around 55-60mph blew a red light and t-boned the drivers side of our car, totaling it. We were all 5 in the car, and I was 11 weeks 2 days pregnant with baby #4. I have never in my life felt fear the way I did when we were in that car accident. To hear my children scream, to feel pain, to not know what was going to happen... and to not be able to control any of it... was terrifying. God was so good to us that we all walked out of the car. Sean, Dathan, & I were all checked out in the ER (it was actually our first ultrasound of Ayla!) and released. Physically we were fine. But looking back, that's when the worry started.
I was nervous to drive. My heart would skip a beat going through intersections. At random times the accident would just start replaying through my mind. Every time I could hear the kids screaming in the back of the car. Every time I would cry. Everyone said that was normal, and eventually my nervousness in driving stopped. But then I started to worry about Ayla & my pregnancy. Every pain, lack of movement, or other random physical signs would send me into a worry frenzy.
Ayla was born. In a fast and very stressful way (the doctor didn't make it in the room in time and Dathan caught her). The night she was born I couldn't sleep because every time I closed my eyes her birth would replay over and over. Ayla immediately brought joy and light into our home. We were thrilled for our sweet girl to finally be a part of our family. Life was finally going to get back to normal, and we could learn what life was like with 4 kids.
Four weeks after Ayla was born, she was hospitalized with RSV. I spent over 3 days in the hospital with her, and maybe slept 10 hours total the entire time I was there. Although we knew Ayla would get better, and that her being in the hospital wasn't a permanent thing, it was still a very difficult time for us! It's hard having a newborn in the hospital, mommy having to stay with her, and daddy trying to hold down the fort at home while wanting to be at the hospital.
What happened next really is no surprise, looking back. But at the time I had no idea it was coming. I had been dealing with some postpartum depression, and my doctor had recommended having a night to catch up on sleep. So Dathan took Ayla for the night (with some bottles of pumped milk) and let me have the night off. I had a wonderfully relaxing night painting my nails, watching a show, writing some encouragement cards to friends, and then going to sleep.
About 3:00am I woke up out of deep, wonderful sleep in a complete panic. My heart was racing, my chest hurt, my left arm was in pain, I couldn't catch my breath, and it felt like there was a 100lb weight sitting on my chest. I was completely terrified and thought I was about to die. I have never felt anything like it in my life. I woke Dathan up and we prayed, I paced, we prayed some more... a bit of time went by and there was no change. Finally we call my dad to come over and stay with the kids, and Dathan drives me to the ER.
They take me back and do an EKG and some other tests on me. Perfect. Everything comes back perfect. After more exams they tell me it was an anxiety attack. What? How is that possible? They can wake you up from a deep sleep? Yes. They feel like a heart attack? Yes. They make you lose all sense of reason and think that you are going to die? Yes. I was stunned. Having never struggled with anxiety or depression, and just recently having some PPD after Ayla, I could not believe that it would just come out of the blue like that. Because it hadn't happened before, and because of thinking I had PPD, the doctors believed it would be a 1 time thing. They didn't want to give me any medication because I was nursing, and sent me home to rest.
The doctors were wrong. Very wrong.
That was the beginning of what I now refer to as "the dark nights." A few days passed, and another anxiety attack hit. They started once a week. Then twice a week. Then three times. Then five to six times a week. They would happen almost every time I slept. There was no relief. I prayed more during those months then I have in my entire life. I memorized and spoke scriptures against fear over myself. I fasted. Others fasted. Others prayed. I could not figure out what I was doing wrong. Unless you have experienced an anxiety attack, you really have no idea how terrifying they are... at least I didn't. To be afraid to fall asleep because you think you are going to die... or to be woken up out of your sleep unable to breathe and feel like you are about to die... it's a horrific way to live. I'm not exaggerating when I say there were probably 6 months of my life where I didn't sleep. It would take me hours to fall asleep... then Ayla would wake up and need to eat... then I'd have to try to fall back asleep... then I'd have to get the kids up for school. It was a never ending cycle of torture.
There were very few people who truly knew what was going on. There's this stigma in the Christian world that mental illnesses are caused by lack of faith. There's a shame in things like anxiety or depression. You must not be doing something right, you're lacking in your walk with God... something spiritually must be changed in order to fix it.
I was at a Women of Faith conference in Anaheim, and Christine Caine was speaking. She went off on a tangent and said something that spoke to my soul. It had nothing to do with what she was speaking on, and I fully believe she said it because I needed to hear it. She said something along the lines of "We, as the church, don't look at someone who wears glasses and ask them 'where's your faith?' So why do we do that to someone battling a mental illness?" That gave me the courage to talk to my doctor about options that were available to help my anxiety.
Because I was nursing my doctor put me on a children's dose of some meds. She told me it would probably take a couple of weeks to get into my system and start working. Three days. Three. That's all it took for the darkness to begin to lift. I couldn't believe it, thought maybe it was in my head because it started working so quickly. But my doctor assured me that it was not in my head, some people have systems that are so depleted that the medicine can work almost immediately on them. That was the case with me. I started having some strange headaches which were side effects of the medicine, so I started taking half a pill every day. That was it. The perfect combination. Half of a child's dose of medicine daily was all my body needed to get back in working order. Since the middle of September I have maybe had 3 anxiety attacks total, and all of them were mild in comparison to what they use to be. 3 attacks in 4 months as opposed to 5-6 attacks in 1 week? You can't tell me that the medicine doesn't play a part in that.
The darkness has finally lifted. The sun is shining again. I'm getting sleep. I feel like myself. The days that I feel the enemy stole from me are getting redeemed. God is doing a great work in me, and He wants to do a great work through me. So, because fear played such a huge role in my life last year, God showed me that this year I am going to do the opposite... be brave. Make brave choices. Do brave things. Fear will not consume me, and fear will not control my choices.
My first brave step is sharing my story here, for all the world to see. I want to use what I went through as something that can bring freedom to others. First, I want others who may be walking through the same thing I was walking through to read my story and know there's hope. Second, I want to help break the stereotype of mental illnesses, especially in the church world. I want people to see that sometimes the state of your mental health has nothing to do with your relationship with God and everything to do with your body not working the way it's supposed to, and that sometimes you need help to get your body to work correctly again. And that's ok. Just as if someone with cancer or migraines or eyeglasses or a broken ankle seek medical assistance to help their bodies get better, a mental sickness is no different.
This is my time to be brave. And this is the time for someone else to know they aren't alone.
It's time we stop judging and start loving. I admit that even I have been judgmental in the past of those who were dealing with things like depression or anxiety. Until I walked in those shoes myself I had no idea how terrifying, how debilitating, and how much of your life it can steal from you. Until I walked in those shoes I had no idea how incredibly wrong my preconceived ideas were. Lets be brave together. Lets love others going through things we don't understand. Lets look past the way we think people should be and see them at their best... lets look at their hearts.
This last year was hands down the most difficult and darkest year of my life. Don't get me wrong, there were wonderful things that happened, and good things that were able to sneak in, but lets just be honest here... last year sucked.
In July of 2013 we were in a car accident. A lady going around 55-60mph blew a red light and t-boned the drivers side of our car, totaling it. We were all 5 in the car, and I was 11 weeks 2 days pregnant with baby #4. I have never in my life felt fear the way I did when we were in that car accident. To hear my children scream, to feel pain, to not know what was going to happen... and to not be able to control any of it... was terrifying. God was so good to us that we all walked out of the car. Sean, Dathan, & I were all checked out in the ER (it was actually our first ultrasound of Ayla!) and released. Physically we were fine. But looking back, that's when the worry started.
I was nervous to drive. My heart would skip a beat going through intersections. At random times the accident would just start replaying through my mind. Every time I could hear the kids screaming in the back of the car. Every time I would cry. Everyone said that was normal, and eventually my nervousness in driving stopped. But then I started to worry about Ayla & my pregnancy. Every pain, lack of movement, or other random physical signs would send me into a worry frenzy.
Ayla was born. In a fast and very stressful way (the doctor didn't make it in the room in time and Dathan caught her). The night she was born I couldn't sleep because every time I closed my eyes her birth would replay over and over. Ayla immediately brought joy and light into our home. We were thrilled for our sweet girl to finally be a part of our family. Life was finally going to get back to normal, and we could learn what life was like with 4 kids.
Four weeks after Ayla was born, she was hospitalized with RSV. I spent over 3 days in the hospital with her, and maybe slept 10 hours total the entire time I was there. Although we knew Ayla would get better, and that her being in the hospital wasn't a permanent thing, it was still a very difficult time for us! It's hard having a newborn in the hospital, mommy having to stay with her, and daddy trying to hold down the fort at home while wanting to be at the hospital.
What happened next really is no surprise, looking back. But at the time I had no idea it was coming. I had been dealing with some postpartum depression, and my doctor had recommended having a night to catch up on sleep. So Dathan took Ayla for the night (with some bottles of pumped milk) and let me have the night off. I had a wonderfully relaxing night painting my nails, watching a show, writing some encouragement cards to friends, and then going to sleep.
About 3:00am I woke up out of deep, wonderful sleep in a complete panic. My heart was racing, my chest hurt, my left arm was in pain, I couldn't catch my breath, and it felt like there was a 100lb weight sitting on my chest. I was completely terrified and thought I was about to die. I have never felt anything like it in my life. I woke Dathan up and we prayed, I paced, we prayed some more... a bit of time went by and there was no change. Finally we call my dad to come over and stay with the kids, and Dathan drives me to the ER.
They take me back and do an EKG and some other tests on me. Perfect. Everything comes back perfect. After more exams they tell me it was an anxiety attack. What? How is that possible? They can wake you up from a deep sleep? Yes. They feel like a heart attack? Yes. They make you lose all sense of reason and think that you are going to die? Yes. I was stunned. Having never struggled with anxiety or depression, and just recently having some PPD after Ayla, I could not believe that it would just come out of the blue like that. Because it hadn't happened before, and because of thinking I had PPD, the doctors believed it would be a 1 time thing. They didn't want to give me any medication because I was nursing, and sent me home to rest.
The doctors were wrong. Very wrong.
That was the beginning of what I now refer to as "the dark nights." A few days passed, and another anxiety attack hit. They started once a week. Then twice a week. Then three times. Then five to six times a week. They would happen almost every time I slept. There was no relief. I prayed more during those months then I have in my entire life. I memorized and spoke scriptures against fear over myself. I fasted. Others fasted. Others prayed. I could not figure out what I was doing wrong. Unless you have experienced an anxiety attack, you really have no idea how terrifying they are... at least I didn't. To be afraid to fall asleep because you think you are going to die... or to be woken up out of your sleep unable to breathe and feel like you are about to die... it's a horrific way to live. I'm not exaggerating when I say there were probably 6 months of my life where I didn't sleep. It would take me hours to fall asleep... then Ayla would wake up and need to eat... then I'd have to try to fall back asleep... then I'd have to get the kids up for school. It was a never ending cycle of torture.
There were very few people who truly knew what was going on. There's this stigma in the Christian world that mental illnesses are caused by lack of faith. There's a shame in things like anxiety or depression. You must not be doing something right, you're lacking in your walk with God... something spiritually must be changed in order to fix it.
I was at a Women of Faith conference in Anaheim, and Christine Caine was speaking. She went off on a tangent and said something that spoke to my soul. It had nothing to do with what she was speaking on, and I fully believe she said it because I needed to hear it. She said something along the lines of "We, as the church, don't look at someone who wears glasses and ask them 'where's your faith?' So why do we do that to someone battling a mental illness?" That gave me the courage to talk to my doctor about options that were available to help my anxiety.
Because I was nursing my doctor put me on a children's dose of some meds. She told me it would probably take a couple of weeks to get into my system and start working. Three days. Three. That's all it took for the darkness to begin to lift. I couldn't believe it, thought maybe it was in my head because it started working so quickly. But my doctor assured me that it was not in my head, some people have systems that are so depleted that the medicine can work almost immediately on them. That was the case with me. I started having some strange headaches which were side effects of the medicine, so I started taking half a pill every day. That was it. The perfect combination. Half of a child's dose of medicine daily was all my body needed to get back in working order. Since the middle of September I have maybe had 3 anxiety attacks total, and all of them were mild in comparison to what they use to be. 3 attacks in 4 months as opposed to 5-6 attacks in 1 week? You can't tell me that the medicine doesn't play a part in that.
The darkness has finally lifted. The sun is shining again. I'm getting sleep. I feel like myself. The days that I feel the enemy stole from me are getting redeemed. God is doing a great work in me, and He wants to do a great work through me. So, because fear played such a huge role in my life last year, God showed me that this year I am going to do the opposite... be brave. Make brave choices. Do brave things. Fear will not consume me, and fear will not control my choices.
My first brave step is sharing my story here, for all the world to see. I want to use what I went through as something that can bring freedom to others. First, I want others who may be walking through the same thing I was walking through to read my story and know there's hope. Second, I want to help break the stereotype of mental illnesses, especially in the church world. I want people to see that sometimes the state of your mental health has nothing to do with your relationship with God and everything to do with your body not working the way it's supposed to, and that sometimes you need help to get your body to work correctly again. And that's ok. Just as if someone with cancer or migraines or eyeglasses or a broken ankle seek medical assistance to help their bodies get better, a mental sickness is no different.
This is my time to be brave. And this is the time for someone else to know they aren't alone.
It's time we stop judging and start loving. I admit that even I have been judgmental in the past of those who were dealing with things like depression or anxiety. Until I walked in those shoes myself I had no idea how terrifying, how debilitating, and how much of your life it can steal from you. Until I walked in those shoes I had no idea how incredibly wrong my preconceived ideas were. Lets be brave together. Lets love others going through things we don't understand. Lets look past the way we think people should be and see them at their best... lets look at their hearts.
Look who's back!
It's been awhile since I've blogged. And by awhile I mean over 2 years. A lot has happened in those two years. We found out I was pregnant (surprise!), were in a car accident where our car was totaled (we were/are all fine physically), found a new church home, bought a van, found a new house, had a baby GIRL, and many other things! I'm hoping to update more often on here, but for now I will leave you with our Christmas card (which, obviously, is the same picture in the header... and by the way, I don't know why my header looks a little soft/blurry when I upload it?). Anyways, here we are!
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
lets LIVE
Last Friday looked a little different than most school days in our house. Sean, my oldest, had been sick the day before, and due to a "fever free for 24 hour" rule, he was home again, although he was acting fine. We slept in a little, and hung around in our PJs. My 3 little guys were cuddled on the couch watching a Christmas movie, and I hopped on the computer to browse through FB for a bit before we started our day.
At first there was only one post, and I almost skimmed right past it. A picture of a street crowded with cars and emergency vehicles. But then I stopped to read the caption. A shooting had happened at an elementary school in CT. What the crap? Who shoots an elementary school? I started clicking links and searching so I could find out more. A couple people injured. No, 18 people have been killed. No, wait again... 18 CHILDREN have been killed. Then the final count- 20 children and 6 adults. Like the rest of the nation, I sat in disbelief. Tears streamed down my face. I was sick to my stomach. I looked up to see my 3 boys laughing and enjoying their movie, with no earthly idea of the evil that was happening at that very moment.
I told them I was going to take a quick shower. I didn't want them to see me break down. I hopped in the shower and lost it. I mean LOST IT. Deep, heavy, sobs came from some place within me that I had never known was there. The pain was so intense, so real, so... PAINFUL that it was almost as if I had lost one of my children. The initial reports said an entire kindergarten class was missing. Kindergarten?!?! I cried and cried and kept thinking "those babies!" In my sobs, and somewhere amongst my prayers, I heard the Lord speak- so quietly yet so vibrantly in my heart- "I sent my son to die for him, too." I knew who He was speaking to me about. The man who pulled the trigger. God was reminding me that His son did not just die for those sweet children and innocent staff members... but He died for that murderer too.
My heart became heavier. What a lost, sick, hurting, dark soul he must have been to do such a horrific act. No person in their right mind could commit such an unspeakable crime. And now he was gone too- the eternal punishment he is facing is far worse than any punishment here on earth. My heart aches.
Soon more reports start coming out. Names. Birthdays. Ages. 15 out of 20 children born in 2006. Sean was born in 2006. 16 out of 20 of them were 6 years old. Sean is 6 years old. All of them in 1st grade. Sean is in 1st grade. And in a way I think only moms can understand, I grieve. Because you see, those children are all somebody's Sean. And the thought of losing him (or any of my children) is almost more than I can bear. Yet those parents... those families... they are living through it. It happened to them. It could have been me.
Newtown, CT is not considered a dangerous town. People felt safe. But something exists in Newtown that exists in every city around the world- hurting people. You may not know it by just looking at them, but there are people everywhere who suffer from mental illness, inner pain, and who are just plain lost without Christ. It's not about gun control or school safety. It's about matters of the heart. It's about taking care of those who are mentally unstable. It's about sharing the love of Christ with those who need it most.
I certainly don't have all the answers. And I certainly don't know what any of that is supposed to look like. But I do know that I can choose on a daily basis to love others, & teach my children to do the same. I can share the love of Christ by words and actions. I can choose peace, and not to live in fear.
By the time Monday came around, my heart was prepared to drop Sean off at school. So many parents were fearful. Some didn't even take their children to school. But I decided I was not going to live in fear. Crazy to think that the normal task of dropping your child off at school was changed in an instant to a brave action, accompanied by tears for many. I stood on the promises of God:
"The Lord is my light & my salvation- so why should I be afraid? The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble?" Ps 27:1
I took a picture of Sean as he got out of the car, and I posted it to my FB & Instagram. Not because of the picture (although he sure is cute), but because of what I felt the Lord stirring in my spirit. Underneath the picture I wrote this:
"For me, being a parent means placing your children in God's hands from day 1, and continuing to do so each & every day. It's not always easy, but there is no other way that I would want to raise my kids. We can't live our lives in fear... we need to just LIVE."
So lets do it... lets LIVE. Lets laugh and make memories and have fun and shed tears and feel pain. Lets pray for others and grieve with others. Lets rejoice with others and encourage one another. Lets love with every fiber of our being. And lets share the love of God with those around us. Because we never know who is hurting & who is fighting an inner battle that none of us could understand or comprehend.
Lets LIVE.
At first there was only one post, and I almost skimmed right past it. A picture of a street crowded with cars and emergency vehicles. But then I stopped to read the caption. A shooting had happened at an elementary school in CT. What the crap? Who shoots an elementary school? I started clicking links and searching so I could find out more. A couple people injured. No, 18 people have been killed. No, wait again... 18 CHILDREN have been killed. Then the final count- 20 children and 6 adults. Like the rest of the nation, I sat in disbelief. Tears streamed down my face. I was sick to my stomach. I looked up to see my 3 boys laughing and enjoying their movie, with no earthly idea of the evil that was happening at that very moment.
I told them I was going to take a quick shower. I didn't want them to see me break down. I hopped in the shower and lost it. I mean LOST IT. Deep, heavy, sobs came from some place within me that I had never known was there. The pain was so intense, so real, so... PAINFUL that it was almost as if I had lost one of my children. The initial reports said an entire kindergarten class was missing. Kindergarten?!?! I cried and cried and kept thinking "those babies!" In my sobs, and somewhere amongst my prayers, I heard the Lord speak- so quietly yet so vibrantly in my heart- "I sent my son to die for him, too." I knew who He was speaking to me about. The man who pulled the trigger. God was reminding me that His son did not just die for those sweet children and innocent staff members... but He died for that murderer too.
My heart became heavier. What a lost, sick, hurting, dark soul he must have been to do such a horrific act. No person in their right mind could commit such an unspeakable crime. And now he was gone too- the eternal punishment he is facing is far worse than any punishment here on earth. My heart aches.
Soon more reports start coming out. Names. Birthdays. Ages. 15 out of 20 children born in 2006. Sean was born in 2006. 16 out of 20 of them were 6 years old. Sean is 6 years old. All of them in 1st grade. Sean is in 1st grade. And in a way I think only moms can understand, I grieve. Because you see, those children are all somebody's Sean. And the thought of losing him (or any of my children) is almost more than I can bear. Yet those parents... those families... they are living through it. It happened to them. It could have been me.
Newtown, CT is not considered a dangerous town. People felt safe. But something exists in Newtown that exists in every city around the world- hurting people. You may not know it by just looking at them, but there are people everywhere who suffer from mental illness, inner pain, and who are just plain lost without Christ. It's not about gun control or school safety. It's about matters of the heart. It's about taking care of those who are mentally unstable. It's about sharing the love of Christ with those who need it most.
I certainly don't have all the answers. And I certainly don't know what any of that is supposed to look like. But I do know that I can choose on a daily basis to love others, & teach my children to do the same. I can share the love of Christ by words and actions. I can choose peace, and not to live in fear.
By the time Monday came around, my heart was prepared to drop Sean off at school. So many parents were fearful. Some didn't even take their children to school. But I decided I was not going to live in fear. Crazy to think that the normal task of dropping your child off at school was changed in an instant to a brave action, accompanied by tears for many. I stood on the promises of God:
"The Lord is my light & my salvation- so why should I be afraid? The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble?" Ps 27:1
I took a picture of Sean as he got out of the car, and I posted it to my FB & Instagram. Not because of the picture (although he sure is cute), but because of what I felt the Lord stirring in my spirit. Underneath the picture I wrote this:
"For me, being a parent means placing your children in God's hands from day 1, and continuing to do so each & every day. It's not always easy, but there is no other way that I would want to raise my kids. We can't live our lives in fear... we need to just LIVE."
So lets do it... lets LIVE. Lets laugh and make memories and have fun and shed tears and feel pain. Lets pray for others and grieve with others. Lets rejoice with others and encourage one another. Lets love with every fiber of our being. And lets share the love of God with those around us. Because we never know who is hurting & who is fighting an inner battle that none of us could understand or comprehend.
Lets LIVE.
Friday, July 27, 2012
insta-friday #2
I'm going about insta-Friday a little differently this week, to see if it's less frustrating than last week (UGH!). HAHA So here we go:
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| sweet brothers |
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| "how great is our God" came on pandora and i looked over to see this. heart = melted |
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| my 3 boys + my brother's son + my cousins 2 sons = fun day with 6 boys under the age of 6! |
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| orange county sunset. just another day in cali |
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| courtney, my younger bro's girlfriend, entertaining the 4 boys. adorable. |
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| goofing off with my 2 biggest boys. |
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| sitting on knees and eating a gogo squeez... oh man too cute for words! |
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| PAXimus prime, NOLimus prime, and SEANimus prime |
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| boys are weird. |
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| once again, boys are weird |
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| 4th haircut in 6 months |
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| super mario brothers with a friend after haircuts |
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| trial run through the sprinklers in our new backyard!!! |
follow me on instagram: @ericajstephens
Friday, July 20, 2012
Insta-Friday
Ok so I have no idea what I'm doing, but I'm trying to post from my phone for the first time. Every time I pick pictures to include, it puts them out of order and I can't figure out how to move them around. I also can't write captions by each picture. Not sure if I'm a fan of posting from the iPhone. So I now present to you my first ever (frustrated) insta-Friday! Ha!
Sunday, July 15, 2012
slacker
Ok everyone- I am SO aware that I have been a major slacker in the blogging world. I can't help it. There are a million and a half other things I'm doing...
I still want to blog. In my mind, it's one of those things that I'd like to do. I love to look back and have these accounts of fun things our family has done. But in reality, it takes up a lot of my time, and until I get better at managing time (maybe when school starts again?) this will have to take a back burner.
Because lets face it, life is more fun when spent away from the computer!
But, I do have a new iphone... and with my new iphone I now have an instagram account. What an easy way to keep people updated! I always have my phone on me, so I can always take pictures. Yay! So if you want, you can follow me:
Happy Summer ya'll!!!
PS don't lose all hope in me.... I'll be back!! :)
I still want to blog. In my mind, it's one of those things that I'd like to do. I love to look back and have these accounts of fun things our family has done. But in reality, it takes up a lot of my time, and until I get better at managing time (maybe when school starts again?) this will have to take a back burner.
Because lets face it, life is more fun when spent away from the computer!
But, I do have a new iphone... and with my new iphone I now have an instagram account. What an easy way to keep people updated! I always have my phone on me, so I can always take pictures. Yay! So if you want, you can follow me:
ericajstephens
Happy Summer ya'll!!!
PS don't lose all hope in me.... I'll be back!! :)
Sunday, July 8, 2012
that time we pretended that it was right after Easter and not the 4th of July....
i said "boys, take off your shirts so you won't get egg dye one them." this is what i got when i turned around. next time i will be more specific as to who needs to take their shirt off ;)
Easter egg hunt at the church!
actual Easter!
Friday, July 6, 2012
october "photo dump"
yes, october... as in 9 months ago. don't hate me because i suck at blogging, ok??
there will be very few words/descriptions, only pictures, basically for my own memory.
if any of you are still out there you are welcomed to comment and let me know you are still around! hahahahaha :)
fall family fun festival
makin festive cookies & cupcakes
the actual day of oct 31
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